Taylor Frankie Paul’s video is dominating the internet’s domestic violence discourse

When a 45-second video of reality star Taylor Frankie Paul dumped her ex-boyfriend during the 2023 feud just days before her season of “The Bachelorette” premiered on ABC, it quickly went viral.

ABC said it would not air the show. Others cast members from “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” – in which Paul stars – and the “Bachelor” separate universe. Several media outlets focusing on pop culture analysis have criticized the portrayal of domestic violence.

But Paul also had a host of vocal defenders who took to social media to call the incident “bullying,” a term used to describe when a victim is forced to respond violently. It’s a topic that often becomes an internet flash among advocates, experts and commentators after high-profile domestic violence cases make headlines.

“A lot of people on the internet are either completely condemning Taylor or completely justifying her,” Courtney Tracy, a licensed social worker in California, said in a video posted online last week. The truth is that none of us know exactly what is going on.

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In the video, which was apparently captured by Paul’s ex-boyfriend, Dakota Mortensen, and released by TMZ last week, Paul is seen yelling, attacking Mortensen and throwing three barstools during a February 2023 argument at her home. Shortly after the chair was thrown, his young daughter, who was near the couch during the fight, is heard crying.

NBC News has not independently verified the TMZ video, which does not capture the lead from the moment the video begins, nor has it viewed the full original video. Court records show Paul pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in August 2023.

There are currently no criminal charges against Mortensen, who filed a temporary restraining order against Paul and was granted temporary custody of their 2-year-old son, Ever.

But in a statement issued last week in response to the release of the video, Paul’s representative said the reality star was “finding the strength to confront his accuser and take steps to ensure that he and his children are protected from any harm.”

“There are far too many women suffering in silence as they survive abusive, jealous ex-partners who refuse to let them get on with their lives,” the spokesperson added. Taylor has remained silent for fear of further abuse, retaliation and public embarrassment.

Mortensen also gave a statement to People after the release of the video, saying: “As anyone who has seen this video will understand, this is a very sad situation. Unfortunately, I am used to these baseless statements about me and our relationship, which I completely deny. I am focused on our son and his safety, and I hope that Taylor will do the same.”

Online, people say they’ve noticed similarities between their abusive relationship and Paul and Mortensen’s situation.

Some also point to the concept of DARVO, a manipulation tactic common in abusive relationships, when analyzing Paul. The abbreviation, which became widespread in Paul’s speech, stands for “denying, attacking and turning back the victim and the offender.”

“Sometimes people are stressed when they deal with abuse on a daily basis, mentally, physically, financially, psychologically,” said Ally Langan, a social media user who shared her analysis of how “no one is perfect” when it comes to abuse, telling NBC News that she is drawing from her own experiences.

“People are people, and they get to the point where they cheat, and then the abuser catches one moment on camera and not the whole time leading up to it,” Langan added.

The interview shows some high-profile cases, including the civil case between the actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, where millions of viewers examined their relationship in real time and argued who was the victim.

Heard settled months after a televised trial culminated in jurors finding that she defamed Depp by writing in a 2018 op-ed in The Washington Post that he had become a “public figure for domestic violence.” Although the conversation did not mention Depp by name, his lawyers say it indirectly refers to the allegations he made against her during their 2016 divorce.

During the trial, terms such as “collaborative violence” and “serious violence” became clear – sometimes giving a speech for the survivors, but also, experts say, blurring the lines between responsibility.

Recent research, including a 2024 review of 64 studies, has suggested that more than half of intimate partner abuse is two-way, according to Tracy, who has amassed more than 146,000 followers on her Instagram page @the.truth.doctor.

There are different types of intimate partner violence, he added, including “intimate terrorism,” where violence results from a pattern of coercive control, and “status couple violence,” which results from escalating conflict.

“One reason found in research for this behavior is to return to the partner for hurting him emotionally, followed by stress, jealousy, and trying to express anger that they cannot put into words,” Tracy wrote in an email interview with NBC News.

The “prime attacker” in these cases “is often the person who poses the most serious threat, not the one who struck first,” he wrote. And men and women are shown to engage in different forms of violence.

However, Tracy said, he avoids thinking strongly between Paul and Mortensen, adding that people on the Internet also do not have all the information to make an accurate diagnosis.

“There is a lot of emotion in the discourse surrounding this situation, and that makes sense given what we are talking about,” Tracy wrote in her email. “People who have been victims are often traumatized by watching this type of content online. I understand why people who watch every episode feel confident in their diagnosis, but as a doctor, that’s not how it works.”

Public inspection of seats is “often dangerous, and often wrong,” he added.

Although the details of what happened that night were not immediately clear, police reports and body images appear to highlight Paul’s aggression toward Mortensen. This incident was even featured as a storyline in the first season of “Mormon Wives.”

In the complaint against Paul, which cites the video, police said Mortensen had “redness and swelling to his eyes, swelling to his elbow, scratches to his fingers and a bruise on his neck” from the incident. The indictment also states that in the video, Paul’s daughter is hit on the head while she is on the couch.

The video also came amid reports of a separate domestic violence incident involving Paul and Mortensen, which prompted a pause in filming for the fifth season of “Mormon Wives” after concerns from his partners.

After the production was suspended, a spokesperson for the Draper Utah Police Department told People that “charges have been filed on both sides.”

As the situation continues to make headlines, some online have suggested that the story of “active abuse” is actually dangerous.

In a response to a TMZ video, Ariel Hendrix, a domestic violence advocate who claims to be a survivor herself, noted that saying Paul’s violence was out of provocation could hurt survivors.

“Do you know what the most confusing thing is as a victim of domestic abuse?” That’s when someone looks at you and says: ‘Well, why did he do that? And that’s what you’re all saying about Taylor in this situation: ‘So, what did you do to make him angry?’

Dr. Jeff Guenther, known on Instagram to his 1.5 million followers as TherapyJeff, said that while it’s possible that “active abuse” applies in Paul’s case, the phrase has also become a “get out of jail free card.”

“Rarely do we see a man as a victim of domestic violence, and in these times, it’s important not to suggest that he had it or deserved it, because that’s exactly what prevents other men from appearing in similar situations,” Guenther said in a recent video.

She said her experiences with abusive women in her family “have been limited my whole life because of their gender.”

Unconscious bias can play a role in people’s decisions, Tracy also noted.

“When it comes to violence bias, research shows that women’s violence against men is taken less seriously (it shouldn’t be), and that sexism influences the perception of either gender who is being hurt,” said Tracy. “The danger of that is a pretext for abuse, which is wrong in any situation.”

Regardless of what caused the physical altercation, many on the Internet criticized Paul and Mortensen for putting the child in such a situation.

“I don’t think either side can be completely toxic,” “Real Housewives of New York” star Bethenny Frankel said in a recent video. “The fact remains that there is a child in the video where someone threw furniture.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit www.thehotline.org for more information. States often have domestic violence hotlines, too.